My son

I am missing my son so much tonight,i was for some small reason reminded of him,I imagined what it would feel like for him to come up to me with a big cuddle and say 'hey mum' and i was wondering how amazing that would feel.The first 2 years he was away from me I free-falled,I'm surprised i am alive actually.Most of the time im stuck between wanting to kill myself because he is gone from me,and needing to stay alive just in case he needs me,though I doubt he will ever come looking for me,He is firmly esconsced where he is,i am nothing but a very vague memory,I doubt he even thinks of me.I found out that his father has been allowed visitations for 1 hour every 2 months,hmm Its what i always wanted actually,regardless of what has happened in the past I have always wanted Mark to have a relationship with Benjamin,for both of their sakes,i hope that in knowing his son it will make Mark want to be a better man..And i hope that he can become some-one Ben can rely on through thick and thin,not like Marks father who was never there for him.For Bens sake i hope that he is fulfilled in knowing where he comes from,he looks just like his dad so that must've been a surprise when he first met him.I hope one day Ben can look up to his Dad and be proud to have him for a father.The last time i saw Mark he did not look in the best of shape,he looked like a full-blown alcoholic.I hope he kicks the booze on the head like i have and i dont care what he does,dont even mind the job he's doing now,he is a hard worker when he puts his mind to it,i always had a feeling Mark could be a good father,but i dont want him having ANY sort of drugs or alcohol around our son ANYTIME. God i miss my wee benny boy