My son

I am missing my son so much tonight,i was for some small reason reminded of him,I imagined what it would feel like for him to come up to me with a big cuddle and say 'hey mum' and i was wondering how amazing that would feel.The first 2 years he was away from me I free-falled,I'm surprised i am alive actually.Most of the time im stuck between wanting to kill myself because he is gone from me,and needing to stay alive just in case he needs me,though I doubt he will ever come looking for me,He is firmly esconsced where he is,i am nothing but a very vague memory,I doubt he even thinks of me.I found out that his father has been allowed visitations for 1 hour every 2 months,hmm Its what i always wanted actually,regardless of what has happened in the past I have always wanted Mark to have a relationship with Benjamin,for both of their sakes,i hope that in knowing his son it will make Mark want to be a better man..And i hope that he can become some-one Ben can rely on through thick and thin,not like Marks father who was never there for him.For Bens sake i hope that he is fulfilled in knowing where he comes from,he looks just like his dad so that must've been a surprise when he first met him.I hope one day Ben can look up to his Dad and be proud to have him for a father.The last time i saw Mark he did not look in the best of shape,he looked like a full-blown alcoholic.I hope he kicks the booze on the head like i have and i dont care what he does,dont even mind the job he's doing now,he is a hard worker when he puts his mind to it,i always had a feeling Mark could be a good father,but i dont want him having ANY sort of drugs or alcohol around our son ANYTIME. God i miss my wee benny boy

Another day at home,2 days before payday,scrimping and saving are just a concept to me -binging my money the week before is the norm,every Wednesday i get my money and i blow it by around Friday.I only live on $130 for food,bills etc and i know there are people who are worst off then me but its scary not having any  food like i am now.the supermarket is ages away not that i have any money,i live in suburbia its sucks i miss the city,i miss cafes and bars and shopping.

temper tantrum

Having BPD AND PMDD is hell somedays,i often liken it to being strapped in a rollercoaster that has no brakes.Today was a prime example,i changed the background picture and couldnt change it back,it was like something 'snapped' in me,and my evil nasty temper came out,believe me i would change it if i could,but its not that simple as just stopping,once my temper starts up,its like a flame and the more oxygen or thought power i give it,the more it gets out of control,burning bridges left,right and centre.

Lazy Lady

Woke up today at 3pm,i always seem to be battling with the 7 deadly sins and since i left my culinary course last month it seems to be laziness.I had invested so much heart and soul into it that its completely wiped me out,i cant seem to motivate myself anymore,everything seems too much.I really felt that i could do it but as usual the universe conspired against me and now im officially unemployed,i felt so proud to say 'im a apprentice chef' now i have to say 'unemployed',im right back at square one.a place im ever so familiar with.i just want to get a job and be a productive member of society.I'm not getting any younger and it feels scary not to have any job security,and i can barely afford to make ends meet.Last night i dreamt i was travailing a steep ravine,with a swift moving river running through it,i kept getting swept(or jumping) into the water,i was trying to make it to a holiday spot on the other side..i think it was telling me i get swept up into my feelings or something..i woke up just in time for 'gossip girl' now my life revolves around whats on the TV..when will my life begin,i always get thrown off course.

I have been diagnosed with BPD for approx 6 months,before that i was diagnosed with 'a personality disorder most likely to be BPD,when i asked to be diagnosed with it,because i had read the criterior myself and had found that I ticked all the boxes,they told me i 'dont want a label' which was awful because i was acting crazy half the time and i wanted somewhere to start from,so i could work with it.When i moved up to Wellington my psychiatrist and nurses finally acknowledged it to be true and it was like a load off my shoulders,finally i didnt have to feel like i was crazy,but that instead i have B.P.D.It was when i found my support group( a private facebook  group) i finally started to chat to people that were similar to me,and it has been great so far,everyone is very supportive,im scared that it will not last for long because i am used to things i love being taken away or leaving me,but im trying to hope that it will continue and we all can help and support each other.but most of all it was great to not feel like i was the only one to feel like i do.

hey people out there,my name is Renee and i live in Wellington New Zealand..I come from a very dysfunctional background which i dont feel compelled to tell my story right now as its tricky and complicated,but i will tell it as my blog goes on